30/01/2011 § Leave a comment
If you talk about immigration with everyone you meet, like me, you discover a migratory species of people. These exotic creatures work and live in one place but make regular journeys to their home land. They survive by having one physical homeland and one spiritual.
I used to think it was unfair. Everyone else gets to save their hard earned money, put it towards a house or buy one of those exotic trips from the travel agent… new and different things. But these people, have a regular and large expense to support their sanity…
During the last weeks of my time in my spirutial homeland (beyond the point where i was vigorously trying to hatch a plan not to get on the plane, and after I let go of the idea to letting my return ticket go unused). I began to see how the daily grind may force me to disregard the details of everyday living that have caused me daily pleasure for the full 5.5 months I was there.
Maybe its not so bad, to have a whole world where you are in love with everything…
(Maybe I should explain this… Its not a fairytale. You don’t always live in peace with the people you are in love with, sometimes they cause you to suffer but it is sweet because you know you will forgive them, until one day (if it comes) their allowance runs out. I think its the same with places. …I guess I got scared that I might loose what I loved my whole life.)
and have it untouched by the grind that comes with trying to make a living.
14/07/2010 § Leave a comment
So I’ve sold my car 8 days ago, still hasnt really sunken in, i still sometimes look for it parked outside my house, its a bit like relinqueshing a limb. Im working on the forever shrinking then expanding list of “final catch ups”, returning books, dvds, selling, sorting and tyding.
Somehow finding tasks that were forgotten years ago but now seem important to finish. I even finaly found time to send a parcel to the night manager of the Melbourne backpackers from a trip long-faded, to thank for a cd he send me that summer, with contact lost since, in one way it seems kind of pointless as my suitcase and bag stand ready but completely empty.
I suppose I’m filing what i regard as an era of my life away. I am embarking on the trip I’ve wanted to take since I was 10. Then, i was too young. Later, I was too mentally imbalanced from trials of the not-old-enough years. Later still, i hadn’t yet fully completed my education. 13 years later, the excuses have finally run out. Even the fear has exhausted itself (but only in the last short months).
Relisation of just how much this book from childhood has formed my character today pushes me forward, gives me hope that I might find some comfort.
Exactly 3 weeks from 11:15 tonight, I will set out on my expedition. Its an expedition because these are usually brave, well considered attempts to find some sort of truth. And this is a fact finding mission. In my case the camera is set to play the part of an objective observer (at least it is a little bit more neutral than me). I hope to make it into my ever present pet, who eats gigabytes out of my external drive – therefore it may have to be rationed.
We don’t know what we will find or what obstacles we will face – me and my pet. I spend my time trying to predict: intruding on long lost family for an impolite duration (up to 5 months), my shyness to film those who are sceptical, sound quality, and of course my (lack of) ability to face other people’s (let alone my treasured few relatives’) opinions of my nostalgia and nationality/extent of belonging.
When sorting my organiser and found a note (a sort of reminder) I made a year ago, when I was just realising that this trip was the only way forward for me. “My Vision: I had many enemies, I am following the one that I couldn’t loose.”