19/02/2011 § Leave a comment
When I went back to my home town i was in awe of all the sunsets I saw. I kept trying to explain to people that OURS are ‘Really beautiful -others are faster, so fast that its unsatisfying to watch, theyre different.
It was as I walked to my new zealand home and to this sunset, i sat down and felt that if i kept Those sunsets in my heart, others were actually quite beautiful too.
18 days after I come back and I am beginning to understand ‘quality of life’. All I knew before is that it is because I have the privilege of choice that i am willing to make sacrifice of my living standards but I never quite grasped the term. It wasn’t during my time in Russia, that I understood its meaning, but from the slow appreciation of how relaxed and un-bothered I can be here.
I guess Im terrified of falling in love with another country (one seems hard enough), of adultery… or is it of commitment… How many years do widowers wait? What about those who morn their whole life, are they defining what is natural? – to move on, to be transient creatures of pleasure? to be willing to compromise their definition of what what is right… I am just trying to stay true to who my roots, to who I want to be.
That night I watched the one DVD i bought in Russia “Aganistan/Chechnya” – war films *blush*. In one film Russian pilots are taken captive for years and years, a journalist is allowed to interview them: “вы скучаете по России?”/”Do you miss Russia?” she asks one, after a long pause of what seems indifference he off-handedly states “… мы и есть россия.”/”….we are Russia”
Another film turns out to be a Chechnya doco (Rus DVDs usually contain as much as they possibly can, in low quality). It describes how captives were immediatley given local names, I couldn’t help but to think that a similar effect is reached with different -incorrect pronunciation of names by locals.
One 18 year old captive that had become part of the community and was forced to stay part of it decade after decade, after coming home to Russia had went back to that community to marry a local girl. Then having returned again, said that “Родина чувствуется с чужбины.”/”Homeland is felt from afar.”